Kiss My Junk

Good job, guys! NOT!

2011-04-10T21:54:00.001-07:00

Democrats & Republicans put aside their ~~similarities~~ differences to hash out some sort of budget deal that should have been done last fiscal year. A deal means I’ll be getting my full paycheck on the 15th, so I should be happy, right?

Let’s see, the House put forth a continuing resolution to see to it that those serving in the military would get paid in the event of a Government shutdown. That is when El Presidente stepped in and called it a “distraction.” (I didn’t realize doing your job was a distraction.) If he thinks that’s a distraction, imagine having to potentially show up to work and do your job without getting paid while two groups of idiots who will still be getting paid argue over shit that’s outta your hands. That is a distraction. Imagine participating in the, what, three kinetic military actions now and not be getting paid. That is a distraction. I was hardly Obama’s biggest fan, but that is a huge slap in the face. I’m sorry if feeding my family is a distraction. I hope it didn’t affect your golf game or vacation plans or anything. That’d be terrible.

But guess what? I’m not a pampered NFL player so I’m not gonna compare it to slavery.

Joke

Bigger joke. Get the hell off my football team, asshole!

I signed my name on the line. I knew some bullshit could come my way from time to time. I was prepared to show up Monday and kick ass as usual even if I weren’t getting paid.

I just now resent all these motherfuckers in Washington. It furthered my belief that I am making the right decision leaving the military next year. I feel like those of us in the military were used as pawns by both sides to try to score some cheap political points. That sealed the deal for me.

And for what? $38 billion? $38 billion ain’t shit! Last month, the Government brought in roughly $128,179,000,000 in tax revenue, just a tad under the $1,118,700,000,000 it spent over the same period of time. Hell, the week prior to this mess, the debt rose $54 billion. If the debt rose $54 billion in one week, $38 billion in cuts over 6 months shouldn’t be celebrated. But sure enough, them chodes came out of their holes to get on TV and tell us how awesome they are for coming together to get a deal done. The self-congratulation was nauseating.

Good game, dicks!

It was enough to make me want to vomit. Or it was the Maple Bacon Sundae.

Tila Tequila loves the Yankees! Another reason not to care for her!

2009-11-10T08:17:00.003-07:00

Though I must say, if she would just get one of them face transplants she could surely convince me to become a Yankees fan. Her body is astounding. Besides, it isn't like I have an allegiance to any particular baseball team since the Pirates certainly haven't shown an allegiance to their fans or to winning for that matter.

Wow!

2009-11-04T08:46:00.002-07:00

So there I was walking around the convenience store near where I live when I saw this in the magazine rack:

I almost fainted from all the blood rushing to my crotch. Her name is Michele Levesque and I'd leave her completely unsatisfied.

Reebok EasyTone goodness!

2009-11-03T08:03:00.003-07:00

Makes me want to buy a pair for my wife. A lot of the comments were like, "What's the big deal? She has no ass." Sure, she doesn't have a juicy Keyra Augustina-type ass, but it is tight as hell and that is the point.

Fireworks Fail!

2009-08-23T07:01:00.001-07:00

Iron Man 2 is going to be the tits!

2009-08-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

It is going to be the tits because of Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow because she is sheer perfection. Hopefully she will choke the life out of Gwenyth's fug uppity ass. I can't stand that skank.

Monitor bitch slaps a cobra

2009-08-02T09:34:00.001-07:00

Seth Rogan relives his humiliation on Kimmel

2009-07-31T19:28:00.003-07:00

Rejected by Megan Fox on national TV? That has to hurt.

Shakira is too fine!

2009-07-31T09:35:00.001-07:00

Shakira - she wolf official video music
Uploaded by andrexfriends. - Explore more music videos.

Avril Lavigne is annoying and her songs kinda suck...

2009-07-31T08:19:00.003-07:00

...but I'd tear her up.

My groin is starting to hurt

2009-07-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

I'd leave Denise Milani completely unsatisfied...

2009-07-25T08:13:00.002-07:00

...but I'd get my rocks off almost instantaneously.

Mmm, Andrea Rincon!

2009-07-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

Denise Milani

2009-07-06T20:34:00.002-07:00

I would do bad things to that chick.

Denise Milani is spectacular

2009-06-13T11:45:00.003-07:00

Ha Ha!

2009-06-13T08:37:00.003-07:00

It must suck to be Marian Hossa today. He had to shake the hands of everyone he said was basically not good enough to win the Stanley Cup. If he had showed up in the finals, then I'd cut him some slack, but I wasn't concerned one bit when he was on the ice. I doubt Detroit will re-sign him. Pittsburgh won't sign him. Maybe it'll be back to some crappy team that won't even make the playoffs. I'm just glad it worked out this way.

Terminator Salvation

2009-06-02T20:36:00.010-07:00

Da da--da--da da

Okay, so A+ class was sucking eggs! It was boring, I knew the material, and the instructor kept telling annoying stories I heard 4 times before. The only thing worth sticking around for was the chick sitting next to me. She looked good, had nice tits, and smelled like perfection. Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to Hollywood.com to get showtimes. I picked the earliest one because it is only $5 and I didn't have a lot of cash on me. I didn't want to use my card and have my wife find out because she'd be all like, "When do I get time to go do something by myself?" Never! Go make me a sandwich!

Before I get to the movie, I must say that there was this chick that strutted by in front of me before the movie started on her way to get some popcorn. She was very cute, but what stuck out was the fact she had spectacular tits. They were like big porn star tits. She was wearing this little tank top and they were hanging out. I'm assuming she is 18 because I don't want to feel like a huge prevert. That being said, I have my doubts. Why didn't chicks look like that when I was younger? Sad really.

Anyway, I thought the movie was badass! I liked the whole doomsday vibe going on. It started off pretty intense and didn't let off the gas very often. The whole time-travel shit is still a head trip at times though. Christian Bale did his patented Batman voice a couple times, which is ridiculous. The dude who played Marcus was a beast. He stole the movie and strangely, though he was cyborg, he was the most human of all the characters. And Moon Bloodgood would get done in record time!

Yum!

Double Yum!

Some of the new machines were awesome, some weren't. I wasn't really impressed with the motorcycle terminators. If they could steer themselves, why did they need handlebars? But that thing that was going around scooping up all the people with that fucking laser thing on it's shoulder was wicked. I wouldn't want to come across one of those.

I give it 4 stars as it kept me entertained throughout. I need to get ahold of some terminator technology for when the zombies come. A T-800 wouldn't have any weakness against zombies.

Get some!

I also found some pics of Terminators fucking which I found pretty funny. One can only imagine the photographers were terminated shortly after taking the pics.

101 Hotties of Summer #99 - Pampita

2009-05-27T11:28:00.002-07:00

101 Hotties of Summer # 100 - Catherine Bell

2009-05-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

I have never seen JAG, so it wasn't until Bruce Almighty that she gave me an erection.

How can you not love them tits!

So hot she set the sprinkler system off.

From her JAG days:

Here she is playing with her hot tits on Howard Stern:

Now she is on some show on Lifetime called "Army Wives." I only know because my wife watches it, probably because she can relate since I'm in the military.

101 Hotties of Summer: # 101 Katy Perry

2009-05-25T07:22:00.004-07:00

Yeah, she's kinda fug. But I'd have a blast with them titties.

Bike to Work Day

2009-05-15T09:04:00.001-07:00

Today is Bike to Work Day. No thanks. I live in Tucson. It's too fucking hot to ride a bike. I'll take my SUV instead.

Crazy kid at Bruins game

2009-05-11T13:04:00.001-07:00

Surely, he is the reason the Bruins finally woke up against the Hurricanes. He is a beast!

For once Ovechkin doesn't jump when he hits someone. Sticks out his leg instead.

2009-05-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

Here is last nights dirty hit he laid on Sergei Gonchar. If it was anyone other than Ovechkin, it would have been a 5-min major and a game misconduct. It was clearly intentional, though I don't think he was trying to hurt Gonchar. Still, he stuck his leg out on purpose and deserved tossed from the game so suck it anyone who thinks the officiating is biased towards the Pens. The Pens are skating circles around the Caps, thus the disparity in penalties.

Wolverine in 30 seconds! SPOILER ALERT

2009-05-07T14:55:00.002-07:00

Damn straight!

Idiot on penalty shot!

2009-05-02T07:29:00.001-07:00

FAIL!

The Agonist - "...And Their Eulogies Sang Me To Sleep"

2009-05-02T05:02:00.003-07:00

What's important here isn't so much the music (it is okay, just a bit too abrasive for my tastes) but the singer is hot as fuck. And that is very, very important.

Pens/Craps is gonna be the tits!

2009-05-01T20:34:00.004-07:00

This is the series the NHL has been waiting for. I'm talking waiting for since the 94 Stanley Cup finals between the Rangers and Canucks, probably the the most exciting series I've ever seen.

That was exciting shit.
Pavel Bure was a beast. Fastest player I've ever seen.
I miss the "1940" chants!
Why did the Canucks have to change to those stupid new whale jerseys?
Why can't NBC hire Thorne and Clement or Davidson instead of the chodes they have now?

Now, people are talking about hockey again thanks to the Pens/Caps series. This is like if Gretzky and Lemieux met in the playoffs. Everyone should be stoked about it, but there are some Red Wings fans out there that just can't comprehend why the spotlight isn't on them all the time. NEWS FLASH!!! The Red Wings are a complete bore to watch. If you sit someone unfamiliar with the game of hockey down in front of a Red Wings game they may literally bore themselves to death. It would improve ratings short term since they wouldn't be able to turn the channel, but how can you build an audience when everyone dies? You just can't do it.

You go to these stupid sports sites and there are columnists writing columns about hockey, which never happens unless it's about fighting or cheap shots or Sean Avery being a douche box. Their editors tell them they need to forget the NBA for a second and pump out a hockey story. The columnists sit there dumbfounded going, "Fuck, what do I know about hockey? I've never watched a hockey game in my life. But I do watch a lot of SportsCenter. Man, those guys at ESPN are hilarious. I do see that one guy for Washington on there a lot scoring all them crazy goals. I don't see the Pittsburgh guy on there all that much. Let's look at the stats. 52 goals for Ovenkin. Cosby has 33. That settles it." The go write some garbage "No one can argue against Ovechkin being the best player in hockey by far" mess of a column.

Ovechkin is good, yes. But he doesn't really backcheck all that hard and his shooting percentage is well below that of Malkin or Crosby.

Ovechkin, 10.6%, shots taken 528
Malkin, 12.35%, shots taken 290
Crosby, 13.9%, shots taken, 238

I'm not saying Ovechkin sucks or Malkin is better or Crosby is better. Fact of the matter is I'd be just as excited if Crosby was in Washington and Ovechkin was in Pittsburgh. Lord knows the Pens need a winger that can score goals. They play different positions, so I find comparing the Ovechkin to Crosby or Malkin to be ridiculous at best.

I wish the Caps a good series but I've had a shitty year so far and I'd be highly disappointed for the 100th time in 2009 if the Pens lost. If the Pens do lose though, I'm jumping on the Anybody But Detroit bandwagon.

And good luck wading through the verbal knob job that is hockey on NBC.

Cincinnati superhero Shadow Hare keeps city safe from Bengals

2009-04-30T06:29:00.004-07:00

There he is. The legend, Shadow Hare. Leader of the Allegiance of Heroes. Protector of society from countless small-time crooks. Surely, they couldn't do shit against Al Queda or the Taliban, but Joe Pickpocket doesn't stand a chance, right?

My first instinct was to bust out laughing that these delusional assclowns think they can help with crime, but then again you haven't heard much about Bengals players getting into trouble lately. Coincidence? Probably. Yes.

Jessica Biel would get plowed!

2009-04-25T06:57:00.005-07:00

I would tear her up!

Ovechkin is a douche...

2009-04-25T06:29:00.001-07:00

...but man is he good. Check this out from last night:

Timea Majorova is amazazing!

2009-04-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Zombies in Plain English

2009-04-19T08:50:00.005-07:00

This is a great video. It explains the coming zombie onslaught in clear and precise terms and even presents it in an entertaining style that will facilitate education which will help keep the situation reasonably under control.

I need to get a hold of Denise Milani's big ass titties!

2009-04-18T09:39:00.002-07:00

ASCII pr0n - Best animated GIF ever

2009-04-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

This chick has insane moves!

2009-03-31T10:23:00.002-07:00

Check out the body wave @ around 1:30. That shit is amazing.

I'd be in heaven if I got to play Fill The Mouth with Olivia Munn

2009-03-26T09:19:00.001-07:00

Watchmen is unwatchable

2009-03-24T07:52:00.004-07:00

I'm not at all familiar with Watchmen. I've never even heard of it, let alone read the comic book. And fuck off if you are saying, "It's not a comic book. It's a graphic novel." It's a fucking comic book, get over yourselves. My mother-in-law was here to keep my wife company, so I figured I'd go by myself and give it a shot. Big mistake. I guess I was expecting to see a bunch of superheroes saving the world from countless villains. Instead what I'm greeted with is a bunch of regular Joe posers playing dress up. And some dude that was in some sort of nuclear accident that turned him into this glowing blue God-like thing that didn't like to wear pants. I don't understand, some scenes he was wearing a weird little V-shaped banana hammock thing and in others he was nude. He's some kind of God, but he can't be bothered to wear pants? Totally classless. The big glowing blue penis on the huge screen was a bit disheartening. And I paid to see it. What does that say about me? Am I gay? I'm so confused.

Bottom line, it is unwatchable. The story wasn't explained really well. I shouldn't have to know the source material to be able to follow the movie. The most tedius 2 hours and 45ish minutes in the history of man. I'd much rather have been flossing the whole time. Or reading. And fuck reading. It isn't so much that reading sucks, I just have ADD or something and can't concentrate so I re-read things 10-15 times and still don't comprehend what I read. So fuck it. But even that would have been better than this mess. -6 stars. Awful.

Adam Lambert

2009-03-19T07:46:00.003-07:00

Dude, you're 27. Grow up.

I can't stand this Adam Lambert dude. I don't care that he is so flamish he could spontaneously combust on stage. I don't get the whole emo thing. If you're an impressionable kid and that's what you see on MTV, whatever. But if you're 27 it is just ridiculous and absurd. He is just a poser! He only seems different because everyone else on the show is such a bore. Plus I hate the way he sings. Yes, he can sing, but his voice makes me want to stab my ears with an ice pick. Men shouldn't be able to hit those high notes. Luckily I'm usually working during American Idol so I don't have to hear it.

The real reason I am doing this post is because Paula Abdul is complete insane. To compare his retarded version of whatever song he was singing to "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin, one of the most awesome songs ever written, shows just how stupid she is. She is a complete laughing stock and what is even more hilarious is the fact that she is oblivious to it all. For disgracing the sanctity of Kashmir, she should be sent to a Pakistani prison for the rest of her days. Let that serve as a lesson to everybody that they can't say stupid things and get away with it.
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Led Zeppelin - Kashmir
via FoxyTunes

People are so fucking stupid!

2009-03-15T21:46:00.005-07:00

I was on the Steelers message board wasting time and came across a post titled "Did anybody else see this?!?!?!?!?" Not knowing if I did see it or not, I clicked on it to see what it was about. I was greeted with this:

Steelers to Lose Super Bowl Trophies

Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

“We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl.” said Obama “We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times.” Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. “The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well.” Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, “In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan.”

“My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league.” Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about loosing any Super Bowl Trophies. “The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title.” Obama promises. “We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league.”

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to their loosing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for “Hope and Change.”

Yeah, it was a little amusing if you think Barack Obama is going to ruin the country, but it is obviously a joke. I mean, nobody in their right mind can possibly think this was serious or meant to deceive Steeler Nation, right?

Do you honestly believe every thing that you read? Are you THAT dumb? Give me a break!!!!!!! I hope the American peoople aren't dumb enough to believe something that this. Geez!!!!!!! What next? The Yankees will have to disband because of A-Rod's stupidy??!!!!! Mr. Obama may not be the answers to our prayers, but it can't be a whole lot worse than the last eight years. Geez.

Well, I guess nobody ever thought of Steeler fans as all that smart.

Katy Perry would get plowed

2009-03-14T05:39:00.006-07:00

Even though Katy Perry is fugly and annoying, I'd subject myself to all kinds of shit to play with and suck on them titties. Surely it wouldn't happen in that stupid little booth because me, her, and my penis wouldn't all fit. My penis will have to pound her tits in some different venue.

And as with those weren't bad enough, I saw this one with the shredded t-shirt. Fuck, she would get it hard.

Steel Panther - Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)

2009-03-08T07:45:00.001-07:00

Greatest song ever? Possibly.

Lucy Pinder is attractive for the most part

2009-03-08T07:28:00.003-07:00

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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: AC/DC - Let Me Put My Love into You
via FoxyTunes

Cops for Kids

2009-03-07T11:21:00.001-07:00

COPS for Kids! from Sunset Television on Vimeo.

Zombie vs Shark

2009-03-06T09:25:00.002-07:00

In World War Z, there were unspecified numbers of zombies roaming the ocean floor. They would either A) show up on a beach somewhere and terrorize unsuspecting humans (who would think of zombies in the ocean?) of B) climb their way up an anchor chain to a boat and terrorize unsuspecting humans (who would think of zombies climbing up chains?). This scenario of zombie vs shark is possible and we can only hope that when the time comes, sharks will be able to pick off a couple of these bastards. Every little bit will help.

Brass Monkey

2009-03-04T08:16:00.004-07:00

I was listening to my XM yesterday when I heard Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys. That shit brought back extremely vivid memories of these gay dances back in middle school. I used to stand with my friends watching all the girls, especially this chick named Julie, easily the hottest girl I've ever known. She used to grab my dick every day in Mr Davis' music class. We sat in the front row and she had no reservations about rubbing my dick right in front of him. It was the best class I have ever had even though I didn't learn shit about music. For some reason, I didn't fuck her. If I were some other kid, I would have seriously questioned my hetero street credentials. She was so hot and sexy and wanted me to slip her the bozak and I was too much of a little bitch to give it to her. If that were to happen now I'd probably fuck her in half. So Julie, if you still want it, hit me up.

I NEVER LOSE!

2009-03-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

Jason Fucking Voorhees is back!

2009-02-28T20:38:00.008-07:00

I had some free time yesterday, so I went to the 11:05 AM showing of Friday the 13th because it was only $5. That way, if it sucked (and I was sure it would) I wouldn't be out too much cash. You might think, "Wow. 11:05 is a bit early for a slasher film." That may be true, but I heard there were some nice titties in it. And it is never too early for nice titties. Just like it can never be too late for nice titties.

Before going in, I was confused as to the premise of this whole thing. Is it a remake of the original? Is it a continuation? Seeing as how I never saw any of the Friday the 13ths, it didn't really matter all that much. I guess it is like a remake of Friday the 13th Part 2 or some shit. Am I right? The only reason I think that is because of the scene in Scream where the dude in the mask asks Drew Barrymore's character who the killer in Friday the 13th was. She says "Jason" and he says "No, it was Jason's mother" then proceeds to kill her fug ass and her boyfriend. Oh, and the fact that they summarized the original during the opening credits.

Pretty people about to get carved up!

Anyway, the movie pretty much sucked. Why do a good 95% of all horror movies involve a bunch of idiot teenagers or college students in the middle of the woods as they fuck and take massive amounts of drugs? Think of something else. The kills weren't all that cool. And why do they insist on having Jason Fucking Voorhees sneak up behind people and stand there until the victim turns around? He's like 6'5 or some shit and mildly retarded, not to mention the fact that most of the kill scenes were in the woods or in some cluttered storage room or something. He isn't going to step on a branch or knock over a broom? Is he some big-ass, insane ninja? Stupid. And the blonde dude, Trent? What a faggot name. He is lucky he was around long enough for Jason to take care of him. If I were the dude looking for his sister, I would have killed him long before Jason got ahold of him. Oh, and Trent was a big fat douche in Transformers as Megan Fox' boyfriend.

The titties were easily worth the $5. You'd be hard pressed to find a nicer set of tits than Julianna Guill's anywhere. She is the one down in front in that pic up above. Trent called them "stupendous." That doesn't even do them justice. Mere words cannot express how absolutely beautiful her breasts are. I'm just thankful she blessed us with the opportunity to view them beauts. If she fails to win an Oscar, it will be an epic injustice.

Anyway, I give it 2 stars. 1 star for each of Julianna's tits. They were that nice.

Look out ladies, Megan Fox is single

2009-02-28T07:59:00.008-07:00

Megan Fox was out and about after recently splitting her douche boyfriend, and simply put, women have no chance. All you can do is hope she wants nothing to do with your man because no man can possibly resist her. Except for me. I'm totally committed to my lovely wife. Psyche! I'd drop her ass off at the nearest Greyhound terminal so fast she wouldn't know what was going on. Of course, I want to do that regardless.
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Lamb of God - The Passing
via FoxyTunes

Hot for teacher!

2009-02-27T07:42:00.005-07:00

Have you ever been in a class where you couldn't pay attention to a single word the teacher said because you were too busy staring at her perfect perky titties and sweet little ass? I may have been distracted by some fellow classmates back in college, but never a teacher. She looked like she was having a wedgie problem and was trying to discretely get it resolved without resorting to reaching up and picking it. Most people wouldn't have noticed, but since I was already staring at her ass and was focused on it, I was able to pick up on that. I was going to ask if she needed a hand, but I really needed the class. It was a nutrition class. Afterwards, I got a sausage, egg, & cheese Crossan'wich from Burger King. What? That isn't healthy? Fuck. I guess that is something I would have learned had I not been so freakin' horny to bang the teacher in front of the whole class. Oh well. I guess I'll have to work that shit off. I'll put my penis through an intense workout. So intense that he throws up. Twice.

I took a class on nutrition

Funniest prank ever!

2009-02-05T08:46:00.001-07:00

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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Mastodon - Blood and Thunder
via FoxyTunes

500 million people will lose their jobs if the stimulus package isn't approved

2009-02-04T14:27:00.004-07:00

That's pretty scary. What makes it even scarier is the fact that there are only like 305 million people in the country. We are all doomed!
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Lamb of God - Set to Fail
via FoxyTunes

Paul Blart = Beast!

2009-02-03T14:46:00.005-07:00

Today was the rarest of the rare of days. For like the second time in my 10 year marriage, I had a day off of work while my wife worked and my son was in school. It is such a rare occasion, I had to sit down and think about what to do with my day. I decided to just stick to what I enjoy the most. Porn in the morning. Movie in the late morning, early afternoon. Lunch. More porn if sufficient time. I would have rather gone to a movie with a hot chick with big tits that would give me a hand job and keep me on the edge of orgasm throughout the movie until she finally let me blow my load as the final credits rolled, but going by myself is cool too. The movie I chose was Paul Blart:Mall Cop because that is something my wife already told me she wouldn't go see. Which means it had to be good, right? Long story short, it was. I can't tell you how many times I found myself laughing, even though the only kid in the theater decided to sit a couple seats from me and be an annoying fuck all movie long. Kevin James cracks me up. I'm just mad I never watched King of Queens until fairly recently in syndication.

As for lunch, I meant to stop by Denny's and take advantage of their whole free Grand Slam breakfast today, but I had diarrhea so that failed to materialize. And I wasn't in the mood for porn since I stunk the whole house out.

Anyway, I give Blart 3 stars!

This just in!

2009-02-03T13:56:00.002-07:00

Super Bowl XLIII was the second highest rated Super Bowl ever, trailing only last years Super Bowl. In fact, only the series finale of M.A.S.H. (seriously?) and last years Super Bowl had better ratings in the history of American TV. That being said, Mike Freeman can bite me! Freeman had this gay column saying the game was going to be crappy both in terms of the actual game and the ratings it would draw. He even went so hard as to try to convince the reader it was to be taken as true by tooting his own horn by saying the World Series was going to be a ratings disaster because nobody cares about Philadelphia/Tampa Bay. How prophetic. Nobody cares about baseball, so of course nobody was going to watch it, asshole. Anyway, because he and others in the media weren't too excited by the stories, they tried to make themselves bigger than the game. I thought ESPN had exclusive rights to that kind of thinking.

As it turns out, 92 million people watched one of the greatest sporting events of all time. So get bent, Freeman.

Hells yeah! Steelers win!

2009-02-02T09:16:00.009-07:00

Time moved pretty quickly since the AFC Championship game. Until I woke up Saturday. I have been busy with work and doing all the other bullshit associated with life to think much about the game. Saturday, I didn't have shit going on so it dragged. After my son went to bed, I figured I'd throw Madden in and do a simulation of the big game. It wasn't pretty. Ben threw 5 interceptions, most of which came after driving the entire length of the field and on the verge of punching it in for 6. After throwing the 5th one at the goal line and trailing 14-0 in the last minute of the game, something strange happened. I was sitting on the couch when all of a sudden I was propelled across the room. I reached out my arms to brace myself and the first thing I made contact with was the power button on my 360. It's unfortunate because I was just getting ready to make the dramatic comeback and get the girl. I'm not sure what happened. I checked the US Geological Survey and no mention of an earthquake in southern Arizona. Weird, huh? Maybe I need to call Scully and Mulder to investigate.

As if Saturday wasn't long enough, Sunday was, without question, the longest day in the history of mankind. The, like, 72 hours of pregame made things that much worse. As if Chris Berman wasn't annoying enough on ESPN, NBC had the following cocksuckers on their pregame show:

Bob Costas
Cris Collinsworth
Keith Olbermann
Dan Patrick
Jerome Bettis
Tiki Barber
Peter King
Matt Millen
Tony Dungy
Mike Holmgren
Rodney Harrison

Costas is the most annoying hobbit in the history of sports. Collinsworth is a cranky fuck that is always wrong. Keith Olbermann is a left wing looney bird. Patrick bothers the fuck out of me. Bettis is a tub o' lard. Barber is okay. King is a woman. I don't think I need to go into the whole Matt Millen thing. Dungey is okay. Holmgren is obviously still bitter about Super Bowl XL. Harrison is an asshole.

Though I noted that Patrick bugs me, this was funny:

And check out what some bitter Lions fan sent scrolling across the bottom of the screen every time Matt Millen's mug was on TV on NBC's Detroit affiliate:

Matt Millen was president of the Lions for the worst eight-year run in the history of the NFL. Knowing his history with the team, is there a credibility issue as he now serves as an analyst for NBC Sports?

Nice!

Finally, the game was about to start. It was nice to see Gen Petraras get some props after being dragged through the mud by them cocksuckers at MoveOn.org. The surge worked assholes! Anyway, I knew the Cardinals were going to lose once they won the coin toss and deferred. They have that great offense and pussied out to start the game.

What followed was one of the most exciting games I have ever seen. I knew right from the opening kickoff that I was way more into this game than I was Super Bowl XL. Part of that could be due to the fact that I was in Germany at the time and the game started at like 2AM. I only yelled at the TV three times during XL: twice in the first half I yelled, "Don't give it to Willie" and after he ripped that 75 yard run early in the second half I yelled "Give it to Willie." Anyway, the Steelers were up 10-0 and a blowout seemed likely. The Cardinals finally loosened up and made it 10-7 and were driving to score at the end of the half. And then, BAM!

James Harrison single handedly kicked the collective nuts of every member of the Cardinals organization, every Cardinals fan, and every body that was just plain rooting against the Steelers with the greatest play in the history of the world. I mean it. When he caught it, I was like "FUCK AND YES!" That quickly changed to "Go, bitch" and "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, DESHEA!" There is no conceivable way Harrison should have scored, but being the beast he is, he found a way.

I switched to ABC at halftime to watch Wipeout because a) it is funny and b) Springsteen sucks.

Standout television.

Thankfully I turned because word on the street is Springsteen's cock and balls attacked every halftime show viewer.

I squirm imagining it in HD. Springsteen sucks eggs anyway. Why do people think he is so great? I just don't see it.

The third quarter was pretty lame, as Arizona was still icing down their yams from Harrison's INT.

The final quarter was classic. After Larry Fitzgerald caught his first touchdown and the Steelers got called for a safety for holding in the end zone, Warner and Fitzgerald hooked up for a 64 yard TD to take a 23-20 lead. My wife, who doesn't care about anything about romantic comedies, was rubbing it in. "Man, that sucks." "I thought Arizona had no chance?" "Why didn't the Steelers tackle that guy?" Bitch is lucky she didn't get her jaw broke. I think I settled down by the time the Cardinals kicked the extra point. I saw how much time was left and was strangely relieved that the Steelers defense shit the bed on that play leaving Ben plenty of time to march the Steelers down the field. If it had to happen, there isn't anyone I'd rather have as QB. Manning? Fuck no. Brady? Possibly, but not with a shit offensive line. They are complete garbage, as evidenced by that final drive. Every play, Ben had to evade some fool and just make shit up as he went along. As Steve Young said, "Not one play on the drive was on time or on budget." Or some shit like that. After driving all the way down the field and having the ball go through Santonio Holmes' hands for the winning TD on first down, they tried it in the other corner of the end zone on second down.

Ballgame! What a fucking catch!

Yes, Holmes had a good game and made a great catch, but no flipping way he should have won MVP over Ben. Ben was beastly all game behind 5 piece of shit.

*I stole the Springsteen meat gif from Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Abdullah - Black Helicopters
via FoxyTunes

Guitar Hero Metallica is going to be bitchin'

2009-01-31T07:28:00.003-07:00

This should be a million times better than Guitar Hero Aerosmith. Who the fuck gives a rats ass about Aerosmith? They are a bunch of old posers. The only good thing any of them has ever done was to bring Liv Tyler into the world. She is adorable. Anyway, here is the list of songs that will be in the game:

All Nightmare Long
Battery
Broken Beat & Scarred
Creeping Death
Cyanide
Disposable Heroes
Dyers Eve
Enter Sandman
Fade To Black
Fight Fire With Fire
For Whom The Bell Tolls
Frantic
Fuel
Hit The Lights
King Nothing
Master of Puppets
Mercyful Fate (Medley)
My Apocalypse
No Leaf Clover
Nothing Else Matters
One
Orion
Sad But True
Seek & Destroy
The Memory Remains
The Shortest Straw
The Thing That Should Not Be
The Unforgiven
Welcome Home (Sanitarium)
Wherever I May Roam
Whiplash

Other Artists

"No Excuses" by Alice In Chains
"Turn The Page" by Bob Seger
"Albatross" by Corrosion of Conformity
"Am I Evil?" by Diamond Head
"Stacked Actors" by Foo Fighters
"Hell Bent For Leather" by Judas Priest
"Demon Cleaner" by Kyuss
"Tuesdays Gone" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Beautiful Mourning" by Machine Head
"Blood And Thunder" by Mastodon
"Evil" by Mercyful Fate
"Armed and Ready" by Michael Schenker Group
"Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
"Stone Cold Crazy" by Queen
"Mother of Mercy" by Samhain
"War Ensemble" by Slayer
"Mommy's Little Monster" by Social Distortion
"War Inside My Head" by Suicidal Tendencies
"Toxicity" by System of a Down
"Black River" by The Sword
"The Boys Are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy

The only complaint I have is there is no "Blackened" or "Harvester of Sorrow." I wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that they threw in some crap like "The Memory Remains." It'll be available March 29th or some shit.

Shit!

2009-01-30T11:51:00.001-07:00

As if Rooney endorsing Obama wasn't bad enough, now we have these comments from Obama regarding the Super Bowl:

I have to say, you know, I wish the Cardinals the best. Kurt Warner is a great story and he's closer to my age than anybody else on the field, but I am a long-time Steelers fan. Mr. Rooney, the owner, was just an extraordinary supporter during the course of the campaign. Franco Harris was campaigning for me in Pittsburgh. So ... So I – you know, I wish the best to the Cardinals. They've been long-suffering; it's a great Cinderella story. But other than the Bears, the Steelers are probably the team that's closest to my heart.

I don't know how much longer I can be a Steeler fan now. The guy has done more damage in his two weeks as President than Bush did in 8 years, in part by trying to rush this "stimulus" package through that does nothing but further the liberal agenda. I'm seriously thinking of switching teams this offseason. It's probably too late in the game to do it now, so I guess I'll still be waving my Terrible Towel and yelling and screaming, but it may be more dubdued. Plus Arizona shouldn't even be there, so there is always that.
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Sasquatch - Pleasure to Burn
via FoxyTunes

PETA's controversial Super Bowl ad

2009-01-28T20:49:00.005-07:00

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

I don't understand all the commotion. Aren't there more important things to bitch about than a few half naked chicks suggestively handling veggies, something like this $825 million "stimulus bill" that isn't doing to do anything to stimulate the economy? But whatever. The only part of the ad that I take objection to is the assertion that I'm a lousy fuck because I eat meat. Get me in the sack with one of them hoidy toidy veggie tree huggers and I'll show them what sex is all about and you can count on that. Besides, how can a vegetarian be such a great lay if they surely suck cock inadequately? I picture a chick going down to suck me off and wanting to vomit at the thought of having a huge piece of meat in her mouth.
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Bulletboys - Hard as a Rock
via FoxyTunes

Denise Milani is perfect!

2009-01-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

Steelers beat Bitch Ass Chargers 35-24

2009-01-12T07:56:00.009-07:00

First off, my wife's birthday is in March. Her parents are flying in for the week to watch our son while we go somewhere to get away for a couple days. It is her birthday, so it is her call. First, she wanted to go to Las Vegas, but then she changed her mind (imagine that!) and now she wants to go to San Diego. If they would have won, I told her there is no fucking way I could go there without starting a brush fire in hopes it would spread and encompass the whole city so we'd have to go somewhere else. And just in case, I had a post planned in case San Diego won. Something along the lines of "Fuck San Diego and their perfect weather and beautiful women and world-renowned zoo and nice beaches and everything else." Luckily I don't have to use it because it isn't much of an insult. My wife was annoyed and was all like, what if Pittsburgh and Arizona meet in the Super Bowl and Arizona wins? Are we going to have to move?" My first reaction was to laugh at the thought of Arizona winning the Super Bowl. Honestly, I haven't thought of that. But yes, we would have to move.

Words cannot describe how excited I was when I tuned in to ESPN just prior to NFL Countdown and saw Chris Mortenson sitting in Chris Berman's seat. Could my dreams of a Berman-less existence finally be realized? Sadly, no. Just before NFL Countdown you saw Berman's fat ass waddling around in the background carrying notes and Twinkies and shit. Fuck! He has a face for radio, which especially sucks because his voice is annoying. He makes me want to turn the fucking channel. I like Ditka, Keyshawn, Carter, and Jackson. Berman is a complete douche. Plus he picked the Chargers, so he don't know shit.

Anyway, I was a little concerned after Rivers threw that early TD pass, but after that the game went pretty much how I expected. The Steelers were able to stop the Chargers on the ground and they put pressure on Rivers. The biggest surprise was how well the Steelers offensive line played. They are garbage, but managed to play as an effective, cohesive unit, at least for one game. They enabled Willie Parker to have a big day and gave Ben time to wait for receivers to get open. When that happens, the Steelers will be tough to beat. (Why does it take so long for Steelers receivers to get open? Roethlisberger has to wait for like 4 seconds.)

I'm sure some people out there are going to make excuses and say the refs gave the game to Pittsburgh, but those people have no clue what is going on.

Yes, that is probably a penalty 90% of the time. Get over it.

Next up is Baltimore. I fucking hate the Ravens (obviously) but I respect the fuck out of them. Thankfully, they are going to be tired and beat up after that physical game with the Titans.
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Tesla - What You Give
via FoxyTunes

Because I have an insatiable erection, Marzia Prince!

2009-01-10T06:13:00.004-07:00

Some dude gives Tarvaris Jackson the Rock Bottom!

2009-01-05T14:19:00.001-07:00

Denise Milani is the object of my affection!

2009-01-03T12:12:00.003-07:00

If ever someone needed to be motorboated, it is Denise Milani!

People suck

2009-01-03T11:58:00.002-07:00

I feel bad for this chick. Why are people such idiots?

Fuck USC

2009-01-02T08:31:00.006-07:00

USC 38 - Penn State 24 - Whatever!

Rose Bowl MVP Dirty Sanchez hugs faggy coach Pete Carroll after the game

After USC scored their first touchdown, I was in a bad mood and all I wished for was that Penn State wouldn’t be embarrassed. Though making a few mental mistakes earlier, Penn State tied it up late in the first quarter. I figured when they finally settled down things would be alright. Obviously, I didn’t foresee the onslaught that was the second quarter. I’m not going to make excuses. USC was the better team. But if Penn State could take a mulligan on that 2nd quarter, who knows what would have happened. The rest of the game was pretty close. And to those that say the sole reason Penn State got back in the game late is because USC took their foot off the pedal, screw you. The offense might have eased up a little bit, but I guaranfuckingtee that the defense wanted nothing more than to shut out the Nittany Lions in the second half. Besides, teams that ease up don’t go for the cheap head shots.

Dick!

I hate USC. They have every advantage in the world when it comes to recruiting. Who wouldn’t want to play football there? They got the tradition, they win all the f’n time, they play in a weak conference (sorry, but it’s true) pretty much guaranteeing a “trip” to the Rose Bowl every year they aren’t in contention for the National Championship, the weather is beautiful, there are more aspiring actresses with stuffed tits than you can shake a stick at in LA, and the Song Girls are sexy, though I don’t think they are necessarily attractive.

If I saw one of them walking down the street in their civies, I probably wouldn’t proposition her or anything. But put them in their little outfits and put that red lipstick on them and it’s all over. One of my biggest fantasies is doing a USC Song Girl, though they are probably too stuck up to want a piece. So I’d settle for banging a skank dressed up as a USC Song Girl, as long as she isn’t a total heffer because that would be unrealistic.

Plus I'm not a big fan of Pete Carroll. He just seems kinda faggy I guess. He’s a good coach and everything, but he’s done all there is to do at USC. It’s like he’s scared to go somewhere else where he wouldn’t have all the advantages I listed. He certainly didn’t do all that great in the NFL. Another reason not to like him is what he said after winning the game.

With all due respect — I think those (Oklahoma and Florida) are two great programs — I don’t think anybody could beat the Trojans this year.

Later, he said:

I don’t know anybody that could beat us. We play too good on defense.

What a dick. Oregon State beat USC, so fuck off. Oklahoma lost to Texas. Florida lost to Mississippi, who isn’t great but is a whole lot better than Oregon State. Penn State absolutely destroyed Oregon State earlier in the season. And Oregon State had trouble in the Sun Bowl with Pitt, and Pitt sucks out loud. Oklahoma and Florida both beat teams that were #1 at the time they played them. USC’s two biggest wins? Against Penn State and Ohio State, two teams from “an inferior conference” as everyone seems to want to say. Outside of USC, the Pac-10 sucks dick. And all this "HOLY SHIT, USC HAS THE BEST DEFENSE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. OMFG!" stuff I just don't understand. They are okay, but isn't that a bit overstating things?

But Penn State showed heart and character by not quitting. Yes, I would have preferred a different outcome, but I’m not at all embarrassed by the game, as all the sports writers are making . And the fans being loud until the final seconds ticked off the clock prove Penn State has among the best fans in college football. WE ARE…PENN STATE!
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: Metallica - Suicide & Redemption
via FoxyTunes

Pitt laid an egg against Oregon State

2009-01-01T07:55:00.005-07:00

I left work early to watch my cousin play in the Sun Bowl. It was pretty evident early on that both teams kinda suck. Oregon State at least made a couple plays. I can't imagine how shitty it must feel to go to a bowl game and get shut out. I feel bad for my cousin.

Sidney Crosby gives fans a preview of the most exciting new feature of NHL '10, the ability to punch your opponent in the balls!

2008-12-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Fuck you, Cedar Ridge!

2008-12-13T09:36:00.003-07:00

Both sets of grandparents pitched in to buy my son the Cedar Ridge Swing Set, pictured above. They paid to have it shipped to my door too, which saved me the trouble of going somewhere and trying to fit it in my Trailblazer. Anyway, though it was a nice gesture, the thing is a twat to put together. It has been here for a week and a half, but all I got together is the slide. I'm working on the rock wall, but had to take a break because my hands hurt from all the screwing. It took two hours to sort all the wood parts out. Shouting profanities at pieces of wood is hardly the way to get into the Christmas spirit. It doesn't help that I'm in Tucson and the temperature is like, 75°. That's some bullshit.

I hope Michael Phelps used his status to at least titty fuck this broad!

2008-12-13T07:09:00.005-07:00

She obviously wants his dolphin cock, but he looks like he could care less. As far as I know, you can't catch any STD's and shit from doing a chick in the tits, so there is no reason not to give her a pearl necklace. She may not be the most attractive person out there, but she has nice big tits. Big tits helps people overcome some things.

Mitch Berger sucks eggs!

2008-11-30T16:37:00.007-07:00

I knew he sucked, but wasn't quite sure how much until watching the gay GameCast on ESPN. I was getting so pissed off at his 38 yard punts. Surely, there is another human being out there that can punt a football longer than 38 yards. And do so while being generously compensated. I don't care how unathletic you are. Punters don't need to be athletic. If you are interested, I guess show up at the Steelers practice facility and punt footballs outside until they let you in for a tryout.

Oh, and James Harrison is a beast.

Four Christmases

2008-11-30T07:30:00.003-07:00

My wife and I were finally able to find a baby sitter and sneak away for a few hours by ourselves. We had lunch at Applebee's, went shopping at Old Navy, and went to see Four Christmases.

Applebee's was okay. There were sexy bitches in Old Navy. As for Four Christmases? There were a couple parts that were funny, but the movie pretty much sucked. If it weren't for Vince Vaughn, it would have been a complete failure. Reese Witherspoon is annoying. She isn't all that attractive, which isn't a crime by itself, but she also come across as a stuck-up little snot. Even her name sounds pompous. Anyway, Vaughn and Witherspoon weren't really convincing as people, let alone a couple. The movie has been done thousands of times. Really, people are uncomfortable when visiting/being visited by family which leads to some potentially humiliating situations? Yawn. Baby vomit gags? Done a thousand times! 1 star (mainly for Vaughn's performance as Joseph in the church scene.)

The NFL knows what its fans want!

2008-11-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

Jesse McCartney fags it up in Detroit!

The Jonas Brothers blow in Dallas!

And since I don't have the NFL Network because I don't think it is right to pay to be subjected to Chris Collinsworth, who knows what the NFL had in store for the Arizona/Philadelphia game? Miley Cirus?

I was bloated and exhausted from the tryptophan and just wanted some halftime entertainment that was, oh, I don't know, entertaining! Get with the goddamn program, Goodell. I think I can speak for everybody when I say that nobody that watches football cares about this unholy collection of queefs and vice versa. Just let the cheerleaders dance around on stripper poles.

Denise Milani is yummy

2008-11-25T08:50:00.004-07:00

You know, I got all excited because I thought she was going to turn around and show off her ass. Why doesn't she flaunt her ass very much?

Screw Tony Romo!

2008-11-25T08:03:00.003-07:00

I know he plays for the Cowboys, which is enough to garner my disdain, but I think the biggest reason I don't like the guy is because he gets to titty fuck Jessica Simpson on a regular basis.

Romo is such a dick!

Denise Milani is in need of some serious backdoor action

2008-11-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

Scarlett's jugs on display in "Wizard"

2008-11-12T20:46:00.004-07:00

Greatest picture ever?

2008-10-25T07:20:00.003-07:00

There's something about Gisele Bundchen. She's a bit on the thin side, which normally I don't find attractive, but she's just too sexy. It think it's high time someone put a curse on Tom Brady to bring him back to reality. Nobody should have such a kick-ass life. He gets to bang Gisele. He is like the greatest QB ever. And for those that say, "Well, he got hurt and is out for the year. That doesn't seem so kick ass. " Well, when you consider that he gets to stay home and have Gisele dress up in a sexy little nurse outfit and take care of him. It just isn't fair.

Hines Ward is "Jawbreaker"

2008-10-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

Denise Milani's big tits in hot tub

2008-10-19T07:54:00.002-07:00

Don't fuck up today, Joe!

2008-10-18T06:34:00.003-07:00

Penn State is #3 in the nation, a testament to how much Anthony Morelli blew the last couple seasons. They are 7-0 and perhaps facing their toughest test yet today. Michigan. Don't get me wrong, Michigan sucks. But lately Michigan has pwned Penn State. I could handle the games where Penn State was pretty much dominated, but the games where they appeared to have the game won only to have Michigan win the game on some last second bullshit are the ones that piss me off. I'm looking for revenge today, Joe! If you get ahead, don't let up. If you are up 50 in the third quarter, keep Clark in there and keep throwing.

On a sad note, I went to my favorite Penn State blog for the first time this season the other day. Due to moving and all that goes along with that, I haven't been online much recently. Anyway, I was excited to read about this guys comments on the season thus far. I mean, the team is #3 in the country. Surely he'd have something to say, right? Well, he does. Just not about Penn State Football. The blog has turned into a pro-Obama joke. Supporting Obama isn't a crime. Everyone makes mistakes. I know this election is the most important thing going on the world right now, but don't turn a blog that once served a specific purpose into a place where you discuss politics all the time. If it's that important, start a new blog or something. I happen to think Obama is a complete joke and will be a disaster, but that doesn't get in the way of me doing the important things, like posting as much tits as I can. The blog is dead to me now.

Olivia Munn gets freaky with deceased fish! Somehow is still sexy!

2008-10-14T20:25:00.005-07:00

Clint Malarchuk can't catch a break!

2008-10-10T07:28:00.002-07:00

First, he got his jugular & carotid slit wide open back in '89, almost dying on the ice:

Gross!

Now, he is back in the news because he shot himself in the chin while out hunting. The sad thing is Yahoo! (fuck you, exclamation point!) says this:

Clint Malarchuk, the former NHL goalie best known for having his jugular vein slashed by a skate in a 1989 game with Buffalo, is recovering after accidentally shooting himself in the chin with a rifle.

Malarchuk won 141 career games over his 12 NHL seasons, so he was hardly a fuck-up of a goalie. But he is remembered most for almost dying.

Denise Milani would get her tits devoured

2008-10-03T09:05:00.002-07:00

Lucky dude getting a ham shank on ESPN2

2008-09-16T09:51:00.002-07:00

P Diddy, or whatever the fuck it is today, can die a painful death!

2008-09-06T18:37:00.002-07:00

Subway is slipping!

2008-08-24T04:00:00.003-07:00

So I went to Subway today because I am sick of Burger King and don't much care for Popeye's. At first, I thought the long line meant they were busy. As it turns out, they were just slow. It didn't help that the lady making the sandwiches didn't speak English too well.

There were about 6 or 7 people in front of me and I was there for about 25 minutes. There was a retired Chief and his wife in line a few people ahead of me. You can just tell that they are used to everyone kissing their asses all the time. It was disgusting. They each got footlongs, but demanded that they wrap and bag each half of each sandwich individually. "One for now and one for later. Haha!" Pricks. It is too hard to rewrap a sandwich after you eat half of it I guess. And upon hearing that they were out of Monterrey Cheddar cheese, the wife was all pissed. "I really wanted Monterrey Cheddar." Then she stood there forever trying to figure out how she can go on with her life if Subway didn't have the cheese she wanted. What the fuck did she want the fugly lady making the sandwiches to do, pull some cheese out of her ass? Quit fucking whining and get out of my way bitch!

Anyway, I was going to get a sammich for me and my wife, but as it turns out there was only one loaf of bread left when I got up there, an Italian Herb & Cheese. Oh, and a 6" Honey Oat, but no thanks. That's just gross. I don't know what the rest of the people in line were going to do. They could have got a wrap I guess. But how does a sandwich joint run out of bread? That seems like bad business to me. Worse, how does a sandwich joint run out of bread and fail to tell customers waiting in line that there is no bread. A real sandwich operation wouldn't let that happen:

So I had to go to Burger King. Nasty.

I never liked Chris Collinsworth! I never really had a reason until now!

2008-08-16T23:41:00.004-07:00

It's astounding to think that an interview could take place where Kobe Bryant looks like the better person.

Lego Metallica!

2008-08-16T23:33:00.002-07:00

Yeah, that is awesome, but I wonder where people find the time to do something like that. I barely have enough time to wipe after I shit.

Where do I apply to get a job lifting and separating Olivia Munn's titties?

2008-08-16T11:14:00.005-07:00

Michael Phelps

2008-08-16T06:05:00.005-07:00

I haven't been able to watch 1 second of the Olympics because I have better things to do. I'm getting ready to move and have a ton of shit to get together first. Also, my son commandeers the TV and watches the Wiggles, Dora, and SpongeBob all day. I don't mind SpongeBob, but The Wiggles and Dora suck and need to die a slow, painful death.

I can't swim, so I can't fathom being able to make it the entire length of a pool let alone winning 7 gold medals in a single Olympics. I can't efficiently move around by any means, but I can stay afloat thanks to a wicked doggie paddle. My problem is my legs sink. My wife says it is because I don't have any fat on them. That may be true, but I'm pretty sure Michael Phelps doesn't have cankles either, so I'm not buying that one. There is only one possible explanation:

Michael Phelps' parents

Yup, his mom fucked a male dolphin. That's something I'd pay good money to see.

And why do them guys pull their suits down so far? Nobody needs to see that. If it were a chick, that'd be great. But seeing a dudes pubic bone is gross.

Howard Dean is a racist dick!

2008-08-16T04:20:00.003-07:00

Dean white party
by dollarsandsense123

The Russians are back

2008-08-15T01:36:00.007-07:00

"It's Cheney's fault!"

Read these two comments taken from an article on the Times Online.

George Bush's Administration is promoting interests of candidate John McCain.

and

Defeated by Barak Obama on all fronts, McCain has one last card to play yet - the creation of a virtual Cold War with Russia . . . Bush himself did not want a war in South Ossetia but his Republican Party did not leave him any choice.

Sounds like something some crazed Democrat might say, right? Very close. It was actually said by a Russian. Not from Demetri Blogger, but from Sergei Markov, a political scientist and close ally of Vladimir Putin on a state-run radio station, so it pretty much comes from the Kremlin itself. If you need any proof that Democrats are Socialists, read the comments. They are blaming Bush and America too.

We need a hero to step up and challenge Putin much like when Rocky beat the fuck out of Ivan Drago.

Whom do you trust to do that? Obama or McCain? Or me? I really do want to punch Putin in the face. I think he's just upset because he has a small penis.

This guy is friggin' nuts!

2008-08-12T01:13:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Master of Puppets on piano! This guy is an absolute beast!

2008-08-12T00:46:00.001-07:00

I definitely would like to ride Louise Glover!

2008-08-07T08:57:00.002-07:00

Thank God Gwyneth Paltrow is around to tell me who to vote for!

2008-08-05T04:44:00.004-07:00

Asshole on death row thinks he's too fat to be put to death

2008-08-04T22:26:00.001-07:00

Richard Cooey raped and murdered two college chicks in 1986, presumably because he was to fat to engage in consensual sex. Surely, he did not rape and murder the women in a humane way, so where does he get the balls to say he is entitled to dying humanely? Both he and his sleazeball attorney are arguing that he is too fat to be put to death because the nurses are going to have trouble finding his veins due to him eating too many cupcakes. Also, they are claiming a seizure medication he is using may interfere with the drug used to put inmates to sleep before the two nasty drugs are administered to off a fool.

He may be too fat to be executed humanely, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be executed by other more appropriate means. Man, if I were in charge, all options would be on the table. Firing squad. Electric chair. Killer Bees. Zombies. And if I were running the show, the parents of the victims would pull the trigger, flip the switch, etc. It’s a win-win for everybody. Except for Cooey, but who cares. And if the seizure meds did counteract the effect of the drug used to put him to sleep, so. If he is awake for the whole thing, cool. Surely, the victims were awake when he killed them. Turnabout is fair play, right?

Sadly, there are a lot of retards out there more concerned about rights of criminals than the rights they took from their victims so this will never happen. Be prepared for other death row inmates to pack on the pounds in an attempt to gain a reprieve from having to deal with the shit they deserve. Good job, bleeding hearts!

Read the pathetic story here.

How fucking dare you, iTunes?

2008-08-04T12:51:00.004-07:00

Joe Jonas? Seriously?

First, whoever did the review for Zakk Wylde's Book of Shadows needs shot in the ears. He/she states there are some "heavy riff-driven rockers" when in fact there are none. But the most egregious claim is "Wylde's songwriting skills remain weak; although the playing is memorable, the melodies rarely are." This is one of the most amazing albums ever written/recorded. The reviewer probably thinks Miley Cyrus' stuff is the shit!

Then, yesterday I was checking out the Just For You thing iTunes does based on the songs you downloaded. I've downloaded things like Corrosion of Conformity, Testament, and Meshuggah, so what does iTunes recommend for me? Joe Jonas' Gotta Find You. What from my download history gave iTunes any reason to think I'd be interested in that little queef? I can't have people thinking that I am into that kind of shit. I need answers, Apple!
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Currently rocking out with my cock out to: DevilDriver - Monsters of the Deep
via FoxyTunes

I can't believe I forgot Austria!

2008-08-01T07:28:00.003-07:00

Created by OnePlusYou - Online Dating Service

The Chipmunks do Unforgiven II. Yes I am bored!

2008-08-01T05:27:00.002-07:00

I realize that the song is just sped up, but it just goes to show how pathetic the song is. It sounds like a damned Britney Spears song. It probably sounds better this way than the version on Reload, but it still sounds like vomit.

This chick is kinda weird!

2008-07-30T23:11:00.001-07:00

Ideally, she would be licking my crank like that. And ideally before she started working on the toilet.